I Haven't Spoken To My Wife In

A Homeless Guy Came Up To Me On The Street, Said He Hadn't Eaten In Four Days. I Told Him, "man, I Wish I Had Your Willpower.

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Says No Because She's Tired Then Stays Up And Reads Her Book.

People Seldom Live Up To Their Baby Pictures.

My Family Was A Bunch Of Drunks. When I Was Six I Came Up Missing, They Put My Picture On A Bottle Of Scotch.

Last Halloween A Kid Tried To Rip My Face Off. He Thought It Was A Mask. Now It's Different When I Open The Door The Kids Hand Me Candy.