You Won’t Be Able To Take Your

Before I Was A Comedian, I Thought The Coolest Thing That Would Happen To Me Was Being A Teenager... Boy, Was I Wrong!

By The Time I Was 7 Or 8, I Wanted To Be A Comedy Writer.

Gas Is Getting So Expensive I'm Gonna Ride A Mexican To Work.

When You Have Kids, There's No Such Thing As Quality Time. There's Just Time. There's No, 'ooh, His Graduation's Better Than Going To The Mall.' It's All Kind Of Equal. Changing Her Diaper And Her Winning A Contest - It's All Good.

I Live In A Neighborhood So Bad That You Can Get Shot While Getting Shot.