People Can't Help What Topics Cut Them

Sometimes Loving Each Other Isn't Enough. You Have To Be Responsible For Your Own Happiness. You Can't Stay In A Relationship Because You're Afraid Of The Unknown.

I Talk To Friends Who Get Their Feelings Hurt When They Read Twitter Mentions. I Have An Amazing Solution - Don't Read Twitter Mentions.

If You Sell The Vatican And You Take That Money And You Use It To Feed Every Single Human Being On The Planet, You Will Get Cah-azy Pussy. All The Pussy. I Don't Mean Literally. That Might Not Be Your Cup Of Tea. I Don't Know What Your Version Of 'all The Pussy' Is. But You'll Get All The Pussy.

The First Time I Did Stand-up Was The Summer I Was 17.

As A Kid, I Was Terrified. I Was A Bed Wetter And I Had To Go To Sleepaway Camp Every Summer, Which Was Humiliating And Terrifying. I Had Lots Of Insecurities And Scaredness. I Covered It With Being Funny And Tough, But It's Hard To Be Tough When You're Making Your Cot In Your Bunk Over Soaking Wet Sheets And Acting Like Nobody Can Smell Anything.