Life Is Full Of Temporary Situations, Ultimately

I Told My Doctor I Think My Wife Has Vd. He Gave Himself A Shot Of Penicillin.

My Boy Is A Mean Kid. I Came Home The Other Day And Saw Him Taping Worms To The Sidewalk, He Sits There And Watches The Birds Get Hernias. Well, Only Last Christmas I Gave Him A B-b Gun And He Gave Me A Sweatshirt With A Bulls-eye On The Back. I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

She Was So Fat That Her Bathtub Has Stretch Marks.

I Joined Gamblers Anon., They Gave Me 2 To 1 I Wouldn't Make It! I Joined Aa, There Was A Two Drink Minimum!