I Was So Ugly That My Parents

Comedy - And I Say This With Humility - Comedy Needs Me.

My Grandson Is Mad At Me. He's Mad At Me Because I Squandered His College Fund On Spanx. It's A Lot, But There's A Lot Going On Here.

I Know Now That Everybody In The Arts Is Forever A Beginner. Experience Counts For A Great Deal And Very Little. Every Night Onstage I Feel I Am Starting From Scratch, Still Not Quite Sure What I Am Doing And Where I Am Going, Thrown By The Simplest Thing That Goes Wrong.

I Have So Little Sex Appeal That My Gynecologist Calls Me "sir."

People Say That Money Is Not The Key To Happiness, But I Always Figured If You Have Enough Money, You Can Have A Key Made.