I Once Dated A Guy So Dumb

Oprah Winfrey Is So Powerful That She Had The Rapture Postponed Until After Her Final Show Airs.

Two Is Company; Three Is Fifty Bucks.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done. You Can Tune Me Out, You Can Click Me Off, It's Ok. I Am Not Going To Bow To Political Correctness.

[on Plastic Surgery:] My Motto Is: 'anything That Can Be Lifted Should Be Lifted. Anything That Falls Should Be Caught. And Try To Catch Any Falling Stuff Before It Hits The Ground.

The Glass Is Always Half Empty. All Good Comedians Are Manic-depressive.