When I Was A Kid I Got

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. I've Got The Only Dog Who Begs For Alka-seltzer.

People Ask If I Can Get It Up In The Morning. I Tell Them Are You Kidding I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

You Don't Know Who To Believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He Said All Men Were Created Equal. He Never Went To A Nude Beach.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, I Took Her To The Top Of The Empire State Building And Planes Started To Attack Her.

When My Parents Got Divorced, There Was A Custody Fight Over Me. ... And No One Showed Up.