Well, I'm Not Afraid To Say Something

I Looked Up And Saw The Shape Of A Heart Made By The Silhouette Of Ben Affleck And Matt Damon Kissing.

Comedy Is About Talking About My Own Experience, And I'm A Woman, And That's My Experience, And Just Because It Isn't Yours Doesn't Invalidate It.

I Can See Myself Adopting. I'm Not In A Rush To Do It. I'm 39, I Know, But I Do Love Kids, And I'm Very Good - I've Got A Lot Of Really Good Moves.

I Got Jury Duty And I Didn't Want To Go, So My Friend Said, "you Should Write Something Really Really Racist On The Form When You Return It. Like, You Should Put 'i Hate Chinks'." And I Said, "i'm Not Going To Put That On There Just To Get Out Of Jury Duty. I Don't Want People To Think That About Me." So Instead I Wrote, "i Love Chinks." And Who Doesn't?

I Commend You On All You've Done For Peta, Wrestling The One-eyed Trouser Snake With Your Bare Hands, Gently Cuddling It In Your Arms, And Nurturing It Back To Health.