We Aren't Consistent In Our Treatment Of

Yes, We Praise Women Over 40 For A Multitude Of Reasons. Unfortunately, It's Not Reciprocal. For Every Stunning, Smart, Well-coiffed, Hot Woman Over 40, There Is A Bald, Paunchy Relic In Yellow Pants Making A Fool Of Himself With Some 22-year Old Waitress. Ladies, I Apologize. For All Those Men Who Say, "why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free?", Here's An Update For You. Nowadays 80% Of Women Are Against Marriage. Why? Because Women Realize It's Not Worth Buying An Entire Pig Just To Get A Little Sausage!

It's Ridiculous For A Country To Get All Worked Up About A Game—except The Super Bowl, Of Course. Now That's Important.

There Are More Beauty Parlors Than There Are Beauties.

There Are Only A Few Safe Targets Left, Just A Few Groups Of People You Can Say Anything Negative About Without Getting In Trouble For It. I've Made A List Of Safe Targets And I Probably Ought To Stick To Those. Politicians, For Instance. You Can Say Anything You Want About Them, And It Doesn't Matter How Unfair You Are. People Seem To Like It.

We Need People Who Can Actually Do Things. We Have Too Many Bosses And Too Few Workers. More College Graduates Ought To Become Plumbers Or Electricians, Then Go Home At Night And Read Shakespeare.