Thou Shalt Not Steal-only From Other Comedians.

I Was In Love With A Beautiful Blonde Once. She Drove Me To Drink. That's The One Thing I'm Indebted To Her For.

Set Up Another Case Bartender! The Best Thing For A Case Of Nerves Is A Case Of Scotch.

There's No Such Thing As A Tough Child - If You Parboil Them First For Seven Hours, They Always Come Out Tender.

Buried My Wife The Other Day. Had To, She Died.

The Work I'm Doing On The Screen Differs From That Of Anyone Else. My Comedy Is Of A Peculiar Nature...no Writers Have Been Developed Along The Lines Of My Type Of Comedy And This Is Why I Sometimes Have Differences With Writers, Supervisors And Directors Alike.