These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!

It Reminds Me Of Like This Pathetic Friend That Everybody Had When They Were A Little Kid Who Would Let You Borrow Any Of His Stuff If You Would Just Be His Friend. That's What The Library Is. A Government Funded Pathetic Friend.

Did You Ever Notice, When You Are Sitting At A Red Light, That When The Person In Front Of You Pulls Up A Couple Of Inches, You Are Compelled To Move Up Too? Do We Really Think We Are Making Progress Toward Our Destination? "whew, I Thought We Would Be Late, But Now That I Am Nine Inches Closer, I Can Stop For Coffee And A Danish!"

The Four Levels Of Comedy: Make Your Friends Laugh, Make Strangers Laugh, Get Paid To Make Strangers Laugh, And Make People Talk Like You Because It's So Much Fun.

Artists Are Always Looking For New Things And Fresh Ground And Fresh Air. If It Feels New To Me, There's A Chance It'll Feel New To The Audience And We'll Have Found Something.

What I Don't Understand Is How Women Can Pour Hot Wax On Their Bodies, Let It Dry, Then Rip Out Every Single Hair By Its Root And Still Be Scared Of Spiders.