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Earlier Today, We Got A Call From Stephen Hawking. He's A Genius, And After 6,028 Shows He Ran The Numbers And He Said It Works Out To About Eight Minutes Of Laughter.

Right After The Show Tonight, I'm Going To The New York City Car Show. You Get To See The Models That Will Be Crashed Next Year By Drunken Secret Service Agents.

A Priest In New York City Was Arrested On Gun Possession. These Days, You Better Be Happy That The Bulge In His Pocket Is A .38.

The White House Has Now Put Together A Website For Kids. It's A Website To Teach Kids How To Manage A Budget Responsibly. The Website Is Called ' Irony.gov. '

The Candidates At The Republican Debate Looked Like A Town Council That Was Outlawing Dancing. They Looked Like A Board Of Directors That Was Lying About Poisoning A River.