Nobody Really Wants To Be A Stand-up,

Funny Is Only Something That Others Know About You - You Can't Be Funny By Yourself.

I Know What You're Thinking: Why Is Chris Rock Bagging Groceries? But I Dropped Out Of High School In The Tenth Grade, So If I Couldn't Tell Jokes This Is Exactly What I'd Be Doing.

George Bush Hates Midgets.

The Democrats Should Have An Empty Chair On Stage For The Entire Dnc, And When Anyone Asks Who It Belongs To, They Can Say Osama Bin Laden.

Success Is Just Hanging Out With My Kids. I Mean, I Always Say If You Have Options, You're Rich. To Me, Success Is The Fact That Hey, I Just Did A Movie And Maybe I'll Do Some Stand Up, Maybe I'll Will Write A Book Or Maybe I Will Do A Play.