Mix An Anorexic Body With A Heart

We Live In The Worst Country In The World. At Least We Do For Lazy, Inefficient, Office-bound Police, Whose Response To An Extraordinary Rise In Violent Crime Is To Order More Speed Cameras.

Planet Earth Thought It Had £10. But It Turns Out We Only Had £2. Which Means Everyone Must Lose 80% Of Their Wealth

This Is Perfect For India Because Everyone Who Comes Here Gets The Trots.

Does Anyone Really Imagine For A Moment That My Wife Gives Two Stuffs About Global Warming? She Certainly Did Not Appear To Be All That Bothered On Thursday Evening When, During The Great Carbon-saving Switch-off, I Ran Round The House Furiously Turning On Every Light, Hair Dryer, Dishwasher And Toaster.

I Was Reading The Mirror The Other Day And Came Across A Letter From A Reader Who Wrote, 'i Was Riding My Bike To Work When This Red Ferrari Pulled Up Next To Me. Out Of The Window, Jeremy Clarkson Shouted 'get A Car', And Drove Off.' What I Actually Said Was, 'get A Car You Hatchet Faced, Leaf-eating Tw*t