Incubated. And Then Raised. And Then Beheaded.

The Kit Kat Candy Bar Has The Name Kit Kat Imprinted Into The Chocolate. That Robs You Of Chocolate! That's A Clever Chocolate-saving Technique.

I Hate Turkeys. If You Go To The Grocery Store, You Start To Get Mad At Turkeys. You See Turkey Ham, Turkey Bologna, Turkey Pastrami. Somebody Just Needs To Tell The Turkeys, "man, Just Be Yourselves!" I Already Like You, Little Fella. I Used To Draw You. If You Had A Couple Of Fingers Missing, You Would Draw A Really Messed-up Turkey. That Turkey Was In An Accident!

I Got A Business Card Because I Wanna Win Some Lunches. That's What My Business Card Says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme A Call, Maybe We'll Have Lunch. If I'm Lucky!

Have You Ever Tried Sugar Or Pcp?

I'm Always On The Road, And I Drive Rental Cars. Sometimes I Don't Know What's Going On With The Car, And I'll Drive For Ten Miles With The Emergency Brake On. That Doesn't Say A Lot For Me, But It Doesn't Say A Lot For The Emergency Brake. What Kind Of Emergency Is This? I Need To Not Stop Now. It's Not Really An Emergency Brake, It's An Emergency Make-the-car-smell-funny Lever.