If It's Called The Usa Today, Why

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk. By This Time Tomorrow, It'll Be Free Yogurt.

I'm A Huge News Junkie. I Love What The News Does.

Every Night On My Show, The Colbert Report, I Speak Straight From The Gut, Okay? I Give People The Truth, Unfiltered By Rational Argument. I Call It "the No Fact Zone.

Speak From The Balls, Not From The Diaphram.

I Wrote Things For The School's Newspaper, And - Like All Teenagers - I Dabbled In Poetry.