I Think I Am, Therefore, I Am...

[on School Uniforms] Don't These Schools Do Enough Damage Making All These Kids Think Alike, Now They Have To Make Them Look Alike Too? It's Not A New Idea, Either. I First Saw It In Old Newsreels From The 1930s, But It Was Hard To Understand Because The Narration Was In German.

The Whole Problem With The World Today: Private Property. If No One Owned Anything, It Would Be A Lot Better. There's Even An Entire Industry Devoted To Keeping An Eye On Other People's Stuff. This Is How Stupid It's Got. If You Decide To Get Rid Of A Lot Of Your Stuff, You Can Give It To A Thrift Shop Or To Goodwill.

The First Obligation I Have Is To Be Funny; It's My First Impulse And An Instinct. I Like Being Funny And Finding The Jokes.

If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.

Baseball Begins In The Spring, The Season Of New Life. Football Begins In The Fall, When Everything's Dying.