I'm Not Going To Vacuum 'til Sears

Women Complain About Pms, But I Think Of It As The Only Time Of The Month When I Can Be Myself.

Why Have I Been Chosen To Deliver The Message Of Female Intelligence And Its Divinity To A Deaf World Of Males? I Have Asked My God That Question And She Answered, 'hey, Why Not You Roseanne?' Indeed, Why Not Each Of Us?

I Say I'm The Only Serious Comedian In The Presidential Race. And I'd Like To Take This Opportunity To Ask Both Romney And Obama To Debate Me. Because I Think That Both Of Those Guys - I Think That The American People Are Being Given A False Choice, Because The Choice Between The Lesser Of Two Evils Is A False Choice.

You Must Never Be Afraid In New York City, Because Then You Will Call Bad Stuff To You And You Will Not Like It There.

I'm On The Mirror Diet. You Eat All Your Food In Front Of A Mirror In The Nude. It Works Pretty Good, Though Some Of The Fancier Restaurants Don't Go For It.