I'm Not A Big Birthday Guy; I

I Do Not Make Jokes About Sarah Palin Simply Because I Could Not Live In This World If I Believed She Was A Real Person.

Anybody Who Likes Writing A Book Is An Idiot. Because It's Impossible; It's Like Having A Homework Assignment Every Stinking Day Until It's Done. And By The Time You Get It In, It's Done And You're Sitting There Reading It, And You Realize The 12,000 Things You Didn't Do. I Mean, Writing Isn't Fun. It's Never Been Fun.

My Parents Are The Last Of The Middle Class. My Father Worked For The Government Designing Sea Mines. My Mother Was A Substitute Teacher. Together, They Worked Really Only Until They Were Sixty.

Nyquil Comes In Two Colors, Red And Green, And It's The Only Thing On The Planet That Tastes Like Red And Green.

Everybody's Family Has Different Values.