I'm Jewish, But I'm Totally Not.

I Got Jury Duty And I Didn't Want To Go, So My Friend Said, "you Should Write Something Really Really Racist On The Form When You Return It. Like, You Should Put 'i Hate Chinks'." And I Said, "i'm Not Going To Put That On There Just To Get Out Of Jury Duty. I Don't Want People To Think That About Me." So Instead I Wrote, "i Love Chinks." And Who Doesn't?

When You're A Comic, It's Like Being Born Gay. It's What You Want To Do Every Night When Your Other Friends Are Out At Night Going To Parties.

I Don't Really Care For Like Fat Jokes About Women, Specifically.

I Am Diagnosed With Not Having Enough Insanely-addictive Drugs Coursing Through My Body.

I Really Think Everything Is Fair Game.