I Can Pretty Much Guarantee That If

How Our Government Works... It Doesn't.

The Only Thing Dumber Than A Democrat Or A Republican Is When Those Pricks Work Together. You See, In Our Two-party System, The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas And The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. It Usually Goes Something Like This. A Republican Will Stand Up In Congress And Say, 'i've Got A Really Bad Idea.' And A Democrat Will Immediately Jump To His Feet And Declare, 'and I Can Make It Sh*ttier.'

If You Don't Drink 56 Bottles Of Water A Week, Scientists Say You Should Take A Garden Hose At The End Of The Week And Shove It Up Your Ass.

[the Weather Channel] Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. I'll Repeat That. It Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. They Were Worried About The Terrorists Immobilizing Us, And A Portion Of Our Countrymen Watch Weather. 'kay, You Don't Get Any More Immobile Than That... Unless You're In A Goddamn Coma. That Means You're Saying, "i'd Go To The Window, But It's Too Far." If You Want To Know What The Weather Is You Go To A Window And Stick Your Hand Out And If You Want To Know What The Temperature Is You Drive By A Bank.

The People We Elect Aren't Bipartisan. The American Public Is Bipartisan.