God Is Like A Shitty Girlfriend.

I'm Not A Political Comedian. That's Just Not What I Do.

If You Can Survive Disappointment, Nothing Can Beat You

If You're Older, You're Smarter. I Just Believe That. If You're In An Argument With Someone Older Than You, You Should Listen To 'em ... Even If They're Wrong, Their Wrongness Is Rooted In More Information Than You Have.

It's Hard Having Kids Because It's Boring... It's Just Being With Them On The Floor While They Be Children. They Read Clifford The Big Red Dog To You At A Rate Of 50 Minutes A Page, And You Have To Sit There And Be Horribly Proud And Bored At The Same Time.

I Learned That Money Can Be A Lot Of Things,it Can Be Something That Is Hoarded, Fought Over, Protected, Stolen And Withheld. Or It Can Be Like An Energy, Fueled By The Desire, Will, Creative Interest, Need To Laugh, Of Large Groups Of People. And It Can Be Shuffled And Pushed Around And Pooled Together To Fuel A Common Interest, Jokes About Garbage, Penises And Parenthood.