Cell Phones Are Like A Dog's Nipples...

I Think My Ex-girlfriend Has Weekly Lessons With The Devil On How To Be More Evil. I Don't Know What She Charges Him.

A Friend Of Mine Gave Me A Philip Glass Record. I Listened To It For Five Hours Before I Realized It Had A Scratch On It.

I Was Sick Of People Making Fun Of My Hair And So I Cut It Off And I've Got Much More Attention Than Ever Before. It Was Like When Mona Lisa Was Stolen From The Louvre In 1906 - Three Times More People Came To See Where It Used To Be.

When I Went To College, My Parents Threw A Going Away Party For Me, According To The Letter.

When Deciding Between Two Competing Theories, Always Go With The One That Doesn't Involve A Magic Spell.