Bryant Gumbel Is Thrilled About His Cbs

As John Kerry Sails Toward The Democratic Nomination, New Questions Are Emerging About President Bush's Service In The National Guard, Like Where He Was For Six Months In 1972 And Why He Refused To Take A Routine Physical. President Bush Has Vowed To Get To The Bottom Of This Right After Election Day.

Yesterday Jerry Springer Bowed Out Of The Ohio Senate Race. He Said, 'if I Can't Run The Most Embarrassing Campaign In America, Then I'm Out Of Here.'

Today, John Kerry Announced A Fool-proof Plan To Wipe Out The $500b Deficit. John Kerry Has A Plan, He's Going To Put It On His Wife's Gold Card.

Or As Hockey Player Sergei Fedorov Knows It, 'the Day I Can Legally Start Telling Everyone I Am Sleeping With Anna Kournikova.'

George W. Bush Even Stopped In Pennsylvania To Try His Hand At The Lotto And Gave Up When He Could Only Think Of The Numbers 4 And 17