You Know What I Hate? Indian Givers...

I've Learned That You Can't Make Someone Love You. All You Can Do Is Stalk Them And Hope They'll Panic And Give In.

My Parents Had Very Strict Rules For Me. Rules Like, I Couldn't Be Home Until A Certain Hour.

I'd Be In The Backyard Minding My Own Business. The Other Kids Would Call Me Names, Like Meatball Head Or Neo-calvinist. I'd Run After Them, But Lucky For Them The Chain Would Snap My Neck Back.

I'm Not A Fatalist; Even If I Were, What Could I Do About It?

I've Been At Stand-up 26 Years Now: After A While, You Get As Jaded As The Proverbial Gynecologist Who No Longer Enjoys Drugging And Violating His Patients.