Where Lipstick Is Concerned, The Important Thing

Why Is Mcdonalds Still Counting? How Insecure Is This Company? 40 Million, 80 Billion Million Jillion Killion Tillion... Who Cares? Is Anyone Really Impressed By That Any More? Ooh, 89 Billion Sold? All Right, I'll Have One! I'm Satisfied! I'd Like To Tell The Ceo Of Mcdonalds, "look. We All Get It, Okay? You've Sold A Lot Of Hamburgers. Whatever The Number Is, Just Put Up A Sign, 'mcdonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We Are Tired Of Hearing About Every Goddamn One Of Them."

I Prefer The Old Theaters Because The Audience Is... Trapped.

The Greatest Thing About Being A Comedian Is Knowing Other Comedians. And You Get To Talk To Them. Its The Most Fun.

You Know I Have Been Issued A Public Urination Pass By The City Because Of My Condition. Unfortunately, My Little Brother Ran Out Of The House With It This Morning. Him And His Friends Are Probably Peeing All Over The City.

What Is This Obsession People Have With Books? They Put Them In Their Houses Like They're Trophies. What Do You Need It For After You Read It?