When I'm Buying Car Insurance I Ask

I Was A Good Student When I Was A Kid, And I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do, And I Got A's.

I Have A Jar At Home, And I Put Pennies In It Whenever I Curse. The Other Day I Spilled The Jar. I Owe It About $25.

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

Our Times, A Brief History: As Televisions Became Flatter, People Became Rounder.

Use Crazy Glue And Nails To Turn A Rocking Chair Into Just A Chair That Looks Like A Rocking Chair.