They Have Dog Food For Constipated Dogs.

You Folks Been Following The Big British Petroleum Oil Spill In The Gulf Of Mexico? I'm Telling You, British Petroleum Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

St. Patrick's Day Is The Fourth Biggest Drinking Day In America. It's Not The Biggest. It's Right Behind New Year's Eve, Fourth Of July, Or Any Secret Service Party.

I Knew That If I Woke Up Hung Over, I Couldn't Do The Best Possible Job On The Show, So I Had To Quit. Also, I'd Consumed A Lot Of Beer For A Lot Of Years, And I Thought, That's Enough. I've Had My Fun And I'm Glad I Quit.

If It Wasn't For Coffee, I'd Have No Discernible Personality At All.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry Changed His Mind And Now Supports The Ban On Gay Marriages. I'm Telling You This Guy Has More Positions Than Paris Hilton.