The Only Reason I Can't Recommend Heroin

Don't Do Drugs To Be Cool, Do 'em Because You Hate Yourself.

I Used To Be A Longshoreman. I Didn't Go To College. I Have A Voice That When I Say Something, It Can Sound Way Meaner Than You Think It Is.

Women Will Do Anything Oprah Winfrey Says, And That Is Why We Can't Have Women Voting.

The Only Reason I Can't Recommend Heroin To Kids Is Because The Effects Wear Off.

I'm A Comic, So I Like To Stay Nocturnal. I Work 10 P.m. To 1 A.m.