Sometimes My Mother Goes Through My Socks

I Was Walking Down Fifth Avenue Today And I Found A Wallet, And I Was Gonna Keep It, Rather Than Return It, But I Thought: Well, If I Lost A Hundred And Fifty Dollars, How Would I Feel? And I Realized I Would Want To Be Taught A Lesson.

I Asked The Head Musician If I Could Go Onstage During The Next Break And He Said Sure. I Got Two Laughs In Twenty Minutes, And Walked Out Feeling More Elated Than I Had Ever Felt In My Entire Life. The Glory Of That Triumph Contented Me For Two Full Years.

I Was A Cute Baby. My Mom Said When I Was Born They Threw Away The Mold. Some Of It Grew Back.

My Mother Was Like A Sister To Me, Only We Didn't Have Sex Quite So Often.

I'm Totally Normal In Every Respect, But I Have This One Quirk - I Can't Give Out A Number Without Laughing. It's A Problem When I'm Giving My Credit Card Number Over The Phone Because They Always Think: 'he Must Have Just Stolen It.'