President Bush Announced Tonight That He Believes

Ratings For The Xfl Are So Low That Pretty Soon They'll Be Able To Address The Viewers By Name.

America Online Customers Are Upset Because The Company Has Decided To Allow Advertising In Its Chat Rooms. I Can See Why: You Got Computer Sex, You Can Download Pornography, People Are Making Dates With 10 Year-olds. Hey, What's This? A Pepsi Ad? They're Ruining The Integrity Of The Internet!

Espn Has Announced That They Are Launching A 3-d Sports Network. Industry Analysts Say This Will Absolutely Revolutionize The Way Americans Don't Watch Soccer.

President Bush Said He Was 'troubled' By Gay People Getting Married In San Francisco. He Said On Important Issues Like This The People Should Make The Decision, Not Judges. Unless Of Course We're Choosing A President, Then He Prefers Judges.

President Bush Admitted That The United States Went To War In Iraq Based On Bad Intelligence. But He Says Knowing What We Know Now He Would Still Do It Again. So At Least We're Learning From Our Mistakes.