Palindromes Are The Number One Conversation Stopper,

It Turns Out Dentists Don't Like It Very Much When You Show Up For A Cleaning In Full Vampire Gear.

How To Be A Bouncer: Be An Asshole; Stand Near A Door.

I Was Seeing This Girl And She Wanted To Get More Serious. But I Wasn't Ready To, I Had Just Gotten Out Of A Difficult Relationship Before That. So I Said To Her, 'listen, You Have To Understand Something. Relationships Are Like Eyebrows. It's Better When There's A Space Between Them.' And That's Coming From A Greek Guy.

If Only Loud People Were Even Half As Interesting As They Think They Are.

Another Term For Balloon Is Bad Breath Holder.