Osama Bin Laden Has Hired 10 Look-alikes.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Announced That He Is Going To Run For Governor On Our Program Last Night. My Staff Didn't Know, Arnold's Staff Didn't Know, I Was Shocked As Everyone Else. If He Doesn't Get Elected Governor, Maybe He Should Work For The Cia. I Mean, He Can Keep A Secret Better Than They Can.

We're Fighting Three Wars Now. Imagine How Many We'd Be Fighting If President Obama Hadn't Won The Nobel Peace Prize.

Espn Has Announced That They Are Launching A 3-d Sports Network. Industry Analysts Say This Will Absolutely Revolutionize The Way Americans Don't Watch Soccer.

A Survey Says That American Workers Work The First Three Hours Every Day Just To Pay Their Taxes. So That's Why We Can't Get Anything Done In The Morning: We're Government Workers.

Massachusetts Became The First State To Marry Gay Couples, Though Lawmakers Say Allowing Gay Couples To Get Married Raises A Lot Of Questions. You Know, Such As: Does That Best Man Invite Both Guys To The Bachelor Party?