One Time I Saw An Old Man

Use Crazy Glue And Nails To Turn A Rocking Chair Into Just A Chair That Looks Like A Rocking Chair.

Your Mind Is Like A Sponge, In The Sense That It Would Come In Handy When Cleaning Off A Countertop Or Something Like That.

I Am The Walrus, But Not The One You're Probably Thinking Of. I Am The Other Walrus, The One Who Is Less The Walrus In The Sense Of Legendary Music And More The Walrus In The Sense Of His Tendency To To Lie Around In Places For Too Long.

I Travel Alone So Much, And The First Thought Is To Grab The Damn Phone. In Airports, Just Look Around. Nobody Looks At Anybody, Or Even Out The Window. It's Obvious We Can't Live Without It Anymore, And As A Comic On The Road The Phone Is An Essential Tool. It's Probably Doing More Good Than Bad For Me, But It Does Make Me Sad That Those Of Us Who Grew Up Without Mobile Phones, We Know What We're Missing.

Turtles Are Greater Than Baby Nephews, Because It's Ok To Drop A Turtle.