No One Is Depressed When They're Being

As I Said In My Last Book, Birds Are Mean. They're The Only Pet That, When They Escape, The Owners Are Relieved. You Can Tell A Species Is Evil By Doing This Simple Math. If My Blond Lab Molly Was The Size Of T-rex, That Would Just Mean More Kibble, More Work For The Gardener In The Backyard, And A Harder Time Moving Her To My Wife's Side Of The Bed At Night. If Birds Were The Size Of A T-rex, The Streets Would Be Littered With Human Remains.

I Spoke To My Dad, And He Said It Took Close To 90 Dollars To Raise Me. But That Was Me And My Sister, And My Sister Moved Out When She Was 16, So Sometimes It Can Knock You Up To Triple Digits To Raise A Kid.

I Think Comedy Has Evolved Like Every Art Form, And People Probably Do Less Standing Around And Telling Jokes, And More Things That Have To Do With Reality.

Oprah Tells Women What To Read, What To Eat, What To Think, What To Do.

My Mom Was On Welfare And The Occasional Food Stamp, But I Have Never Participated In Any Of Those Governmental Programs, Even The Ones That Kind Of Work Like Education, Scholarships And Whatever, And I Managed To Do Just Fine.