My Life And My Legs Have Been

I Was Tortured, And Probably Half Of It Was Deserved, But I Was Bullied — So Much So That There Were Days When I Was Like, 'i Can't Go To School Today.' I Was Too Scared.

But Then, Like George Michael In A Men's Bathroom, I Got Cocky.

My Whole Life Is Reading Tabloid Magazines. It’s Really Sad, Because That’s What My Show Is All About — What Is Going On With Celebrities. So I Have To Know Everything.

We Usually Have Margaritas On Thursdays But Since It's Tuesday I'll Make An Exception.

My Mom Was Kinda Like A Cat. She Slept A Lot.