Mayor De Blasio Has Legalized Ferrets. Now

I Got A Call From My Mom Today, She Says, 'well, David, I See You Didn't Get The 'tonight Show' Again.'

I Went To The Beach A Couple Of Times In New York City. Tough Summer Out There, But I Was Pretty Excited. I Found What I Thought At The Time Was A Very Rare Seashell. And I Took It To A Friend Of Mine Who Works In A Museum. And I Was Really Disappointed. It Turned Out To Be Just A Human Ear.

Life Experience Is The Best Teacher.

It Is Cold Down In Washington, Dc. They Had To Use An Ice Scraper On John Boehner's Face To Get The Tears Off, It Was So Cold.

Today Is Tax Day. A Lot Of People Are Hoping They Get Refunds. And That's Just The Folks Here In The Audience.