Kids Are Like Buckets Of Disease That

When I Am In A Hotel, And I Turn Off The Lights And The Tv, I Just Freak Out. I Turn The Tv Back On And Don't Get Any Sleep.

I’m Bored’ Is A Useless Thing To Say. I Mean, You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You’ve Seen None Percent Of. Even The Inside Of Your Own Mind Is Endless; It Goes On Forever, Inwardly, Do You Understand? The Fact That You’re Alive Is Amazing, So You Don’t Get To Say ‘i’m Bored.

You Know The Only Thing Happier Than A Three-legged Dog? A Four-legged Dog.

If I Owned A Network, I Would Never Let A Guy Just Put People On Without Telling Me Who They Are.

I Love Stand-up More Than Anything, And I'm So Happy To Have Found A Way To Use It In The Show.