Inauguration Security Was Tighter Than Kirstie Alley

In Afghanistan, U.s. Troops Are Now Holding An American Man Who Has Been Fighting Alongside The Taliban. His Mother Says He Was Born In Washington, D.c. And His Father's A Lawyer. Well, That Explains It. ... He Surrendered To Authorities And Said He Wants To Go Back To His Old Job - Airline Security Guard.

Well, There's A Bright Side To This For Ken Lay. You Know, Throughout The Years Ken Lay Has Been A Big Campaign Contributor To The Republican Party. So Now, He'll Be Able To Meet With Those Same People When He Goes To Prison.

The Big Rumor Going Around Is, We May Begin Bombing Iraq. Or, As The White House Calls It, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.

Senator Kerry Recovering Very Nicely After Having Shoulder Surgery. The Doctors Said The Senator Was Fully Awake, Lucid And Joking After The Surgery Was Done, But Cautioned That That Was Just The Drug. He Went Back To His Boring Self Soon Afterward.

Attorney General John Ashcroft Has Been Hospitalized. I Believe He Is Suffering From Homophobia. No, Actually, It Was Just Gallstones, But When They Gave Him The Hospital Gown That Opens In The Back, He Refused To Wear It, He Thought It Was A Gay Wedding Dress.