In His First Speech As Speaker, Boehner

Al Jazeera Aired A New Tape Of Osama Bin Laden. It Was The Usual Stuff, He Called Bush Evil, The Great Satan, Called Him A War Monger. Basically, The Same Thing You Heard At Last Night's Democratic Debate.

I Guess We Didn't Even Officially Apologize. Jesse Jackson Called On The United States To Officially Apologize To The Chinese. Jesse Said, 'an Apology Is Not A Sign Of Weakness.' And As President Clinton Has Taught Us, An Apology Isn't Even A Sign You're Sorry.

President Obama Has Begun A Three-state Bus Tour. I Believe The Three States Are: Confusion, Delusion, And Desperation.

There Are Now Reports That President Obama Will Name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry To Be The Next Secretary Of Defense. Apparently This Is Part Of America's New Defense Strategy To Bore Our Enemies To Death.

More And More Details Coming Out Now About Spoiled Rich Kid Osama Bin Laden. Time Reports This Week He Was One Of 52 Kids. Mother Must Be Exhausted. This Guy Inherited $80 Million At Age 13 And Has Since Expanded It To $300 Million Through Construction, Smart Investments And Gas And Oil Investments. This Way, He Can Use The Money In His War Against Capitalism.