If You Came Into The Theater Believing

New Rule: Food Companies Must Face The Facts: One Container Equals One Serving. Look, We’re Americans, And That Means Once We Open The Bag, There’s No Stopping Us Until We’re Licking Stray Bits Of Powdered Cheese Off The Carpet. So Stop Trying To Give Us Nutritional Information Based On A Fraction Of The Package. It Assumes A Talent For Two Things That We’re Really Not Capable Of: Restraint And Math.

40% Of Homicides Go Unsolved. You Know, It's Not A Very Good Record. And, Also, 95% Of Convictions In America Come From Plea Bargaining, Which Is Often Coerced. It's Like We Have The Worst Of Both Worlds. We Don't Convict The Guilty Enough, And We Coerce The Innocent Too Much.

Eric Holder, Our Attorney General, Says The Mr. Snowden Will Be Brought To Justice. Just As Soon As We Can Find Someone Who Can Track His Calls And Read His Emails.

If Conservatives Don't Want To Be Seen As Bitter People Who Cling To Their Guns And Religion And Anti-immigrant Sentiments, They Should Stop Being Bitter And Clinging To Their Guns, Religion And Anti-immigrant Sentiments.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.