If A Restaurant Offers Crayons, I Always

When I Was At The University Of California At Berkeley, I Went To Some Classes That Must Have Had More Than Four Hundred Students In Them. I Almost Always Sat In The Far Back Of The Auditorium So I Could Read The Newspaper. I Remember That I Stayed Late One Day To Ask The Professor A Question, And When I Got Up To Him, All I Could Think To Myself Was, 'so This Is What The Professor Looks Like.

I'm Very Harsh On Real Estate Agents. I'm Not Sure Why. Maybe It's Because Of How The Call Every Small House 'charming' And Every Run-down House A 'great Fixer-upper'. Just Once, I'd Like Them To Show Me A House And Declare, 'this One's A Piece Of Crap'.

Sticking To My Schedule, Ive Gotten Over Seven Months Ahead, Which Allowed Me To Write A Pearls Before Swine Movie Script For The Big Screen.

I Recently Forced Myself To Read A Book On Quantum Physics, Just To Try And Learn Something New. I Was Confused By The Middle Of The First Sentence And It All Went Downhill From There. The Only Thing I Can Remember Learning Is That A Parallel Universe Can Theoretically Be Contained On The Head Of A Needle. I Don't Really Know What That Means, But I Am Now More Careful Handling Needles.

The Phrase 'i Just Turn On My Monkey And It Makes Me Feel Good' Sounds Very Dirty, But I Can't Explain Why. It's Great To Try To Use Expressions Like That On The Comics Page. People Want To Complain But They Can't, Because They Can't Figure Out Quite What They Should Be Complaining About.