I've Been Writing Since I Was Very

Beer Must Be Made By Food Companies. It Makes You Wander The Streets At 3 Am Looking For Things To Eat. "what's That, Is It Moving, Get It!! It's A Nun! Fry Her!! Fry Her!"

Shame Is One Of The Greatest Aphrodisiacs In The World, Anyway, Built Into Religion.

You Have To Assume That You're Talking To The Most Intelligent, Tuned-in Audience You Could Ever Get. That's The Way You're Going To Get The Best Out Of People. Whether They Know You Or Not Shouldn't Matter For Comedy. They Should Get To Know You Pretty Quickly. And They Should Be Having A Good Time Pretty Quickly.

I Have No Qualifications To Do Anything Else And There Weren't Any Formal Application Forms You Had To Fill In For Stand-up, So I Thought I'd Give That A Twist.

So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.