I Try To Retire Jokes As Soon

My Mom's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. She Just Found Out That She Has To Have Both Of Her Breasts Removed - If She's Ever Going To Be Good At Golf.

On Twitter, When Someone Would Die, I Would Write A Joke. Or If There's A Tragedy, I Would Write A Joke And Tweet It. That Was My Thing, And Then At A Certain Point, People Started Demanding It.

I've Got A Kid In Africa That I Feed, That I Clothe, That I School, That I Inoculate For 75 Cents A Day. Which Is Practically Nothing Compared To What It Cost To Send Him There.

My Dad's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. Keeps On Losing His Keys. Can't Hang On To A Set Of Keys To Save His Life. And He Has Tried Everything Too: Little Hook Next To The Door, Little Bowl Next To His Bed, Keychain Makes A Noise When You Whistle. Nothing Worked. So Finally, This Year For His Birthday, The Whole Family Chipped In - And We Put Him In A Home.

Charlie Sheen Called His Boss On 'two And A Half Men' A 'jew Ki**' And Expected To Go Back To Work. That’s Crazy. If You Could Do That And Keep Your Job, Then Everybody Would Do It.