I'm Thankful For The Three Ounce Ziploc

My Problem, I Try To Teach My Kids To Eat Healthy Food. But You Get A Cantaloupe, And You Don't Know When It's Going To Come Of Age. You Have No Idea - That Period Between When It's Like, Hard As A Rock To When It's Smushy Inside, Is About Ten Minutes.

When I Sat Down To Write I Just Felt Like A Geek Writing About Myself. And Then It Dawned On Me, Just Because Of The Way I Am, I Can't Stop Talking, And Part Of The Problem Is That Anything That Gets Said Reminds Me Of Something That Happened To Me One Time, And Invariably I Cut People Off And Talk About Myself.

I Don't Need A Holiday Or A Feast To Feel Grateful For My Children, The Sun, The Moon, The Roof Over My Head, Music, And Laughter, But I Like To Take This Time To Take The Path Of Thanks Less Traveled.

The Pleasure Of The Mulch Pile Is Incomprehensible. I Wouldn't Care If They Just Hauled The Mulch To The Landfill Somewhere. Obviously, Grass Clippings Are Biodegradable, But When They're Bunched Together At The Landfill, They Become Badly Influenced By Other Garbage.

When A Woman Extends Her Hand For You To Shake It, Then You Shake Her Hand. You Do Not Turn It Up And Kiss It. And It Is Just So Creepy. Because, You Know, I Handed It At This Angle. I Handed It At The Handshake Angle And So I'm Not Giving It To You To Do Whatever You Want With It. I'm Not Loaning It To You. It's Like If Somebody Borrowed Your Lawnmower And You're Assuming They're Going To Use It To Mow Their Lawn. You Don't Want To Find Out Later They Put It In The Ocean!