I'm A Wiseass And A Smartass, And

Because Utah Is Largely Mormon Country, The Firing Squad's A Little Different. You're Blindfolded But No Cigarette.

I'm So Excited For My Son. On Christmas Morning I Want To See His Face, To Be There When He Opens The Gifts. I Want The See What My Assistants Got Him For Christmas.

Here's What The Kids Get. They Get Free Mcdonald's And Kentucky Fried Chicken For A Year, And 52 Six-packs Of Pepsi. And I'm Thinking, Well, Actually, It Might Be Healthier If They Were Taking Steroids.

Child Labor, Not A Problem. Censorship, Not A Problem. Torture, Not A Problem. Chewing Gum In China - Oh, My God! You Better Not Be Over Here Chewing Gum.

Hillary Clinton Could Use One Of These Apple Watches. She Could Hook It Up To Her Secret Email Account. If You Want To Contact Hillary, She's At Hillary@pantsuit.com.