I Look Hot And, Most Of All,

I Understand That If You're A Kid In Indonesia, You Need To Smoke Because You Just Got Off Work At The Nike Factory.

I Don't Like People Who Have Babies And Act Like They Did Something That The Rest Of Us Can't Figure Out. Anybody Can Have One, Ok? I Could Have Had Three If I Had Gone Through With Any Of My Pregnancies.

I’ll Always Be Doing Stand-up As Long As People Are Still Interested In Seeing Me.

At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

I'm Actually Pretty Good At Tennis. Well, If I'm In The Special Olympics Or Something.