I Enjoyed Writing For Someone Elses Voice,

Every Year I Volunteer At A Hospital On Thanksgiving, Deep-frying Turkeys In The Children's Burn Unit. I Do It Just To See The Looks On Their Little "faces."

Whenever I’m About To Have Sex With A Girl, I Play It Smart And Just Automatically Assume She Has Herpes; Because That Way I Don’t Have To Tell Her About My Herpes.

I Will Never Understand How A Mother Can Kill Her Own Baby And Not Get Away With It.

When I Finished High School, I Wanted To Take All My Graduation Money And Buy Myself A Motorcycle. But My Mom Said No. See, She Had A Brother Who Died In A Horrible Motorcycle Accident When He Was 18. And I Could Just Have His Motorcycle.

My Dad's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. Keeps On Losing His Keys. Can't Hang On To A Set Of Keys To Save His Life. And He Has Tried Everything Too: Little Hook Next To The Door, Little Bowl Next To His Bed, Keychain Makes A Noise When You Whistle. Nothing Worked. So Finally, This Year For His Birthday, The Whole Family Chipped In - And We Put Him In A Home.