I Come From A Very Big Family.

But In Indiana It's Not Like New York Where Everyone's Like, 'we're From New York And We're The Best' Or 'we're From Texas And We Like Things Big' It's More Like 'we're From Indiana And We're Gonna Move.

I Was Watching Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? And I Was Thinking, "why Don't They Just Call That The Female Seahorse?" You Know It's Just Some Stubborn Scientist. "yeah, That One There's The Male Seahorse." And His Assistant's Like, "uh, Bill, That One's Having A Baby." ... "the Male Has The Baby. You're Fired."

I'm Not Saying That Mcdonald's Gift Certificates Caused The Obesity Epidemic, But In Retrospect, The Timing Is Kind Of Suspicious.

For Me, It's Always A Little Sad Getting Out Of Bed. Every Morning After I Get Up, I Always Gaze Longingly At My Bed And Lament, 'you Were Wonderful Last Night. I Didn't Want It To End. I Can't Wait To See You Again.

I Like Bowling. It's Just One Of Those Things Where I Can Do So Many Jokes About It Because I Do Know Bowling. Somebody Once Said, "the Whitest Things In The World Are Jim Gaffigan And Bowling."