I Can't Cater To Everyone's Needs And

I Am Diagnosed With Not Having Enough Insanely-addictive Drugs Coursing Through My Body.

As A Kid, I Was Terrified. I Was A Bed Wetter And I Had To Go To Sleepaway Camp Every Summer, Which Was Humiliating And Terrifying. I Had Lots Of Insecurities And Scaredness. I Covered It With Being Funny And Tough, But It's Hard To Be Tough When You're Making Your Cot In Your Bunk Over Soaking Wet Sheets And Acting Like Nobody Can Smell Anything.

Everybody Blames The Jews For Killing Christ, And The Jews Try To Pass It Off On The Romans. I'm One Of The Few People Who Believes It Was The Blacks.

I Commend You On All You've Done For Peta, Wrestling The One-eyed Trouser Snake With Your Bare Hands, Gently Cuddling It In Your Arms, And Nurturing It Back To Health.

I'm A Total One-hour Drama Addict. I Think When You're A Comedian, You Tend Towards Dramas Because That's The Less Stressful Thing To Watch.